AI Summary
5 min readHow to Actually Handle a Breakup
Sabrina Zohar opens her episode with a confession: she once texted a guy 173 times after he ended things. She was 24, hated her job, had no solid friendships, and was desperate for someone to choose her. The guy—a finance professional in New York—told her honestly that he wanted someone more established in their career and identity. Twelve years later, Zohar says she completely understands what he meant. But at the time, she internalized it as evidence that something was wrong with her.
That pattern—turning rejection into a verdict on your worth—is the central problem Zohar addresses. The episode is structured around what to do and not do during a breakup, but the argument that holds it together is simpler: most of the pain after a breakup comes not from losing the person, but from the story you tell yourself about what the loss means.
The real source of suffering
Zohar argues that people get stuck after a breakup not because the person was extraordinary, but because of the narrative they've built. "They were the one," she mimics. "I'm never gonna find anyone else like them." Then she pushes back: "Really? Somebody that ignored you, somebody that disrespected you, somebody that made you earn their love? You're never gonna find that?"
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What you'll learn
- 1 (00:00) **The Core Premise: Breakups Don't Define Your Worth** - Sabrina opens with a personal framing: she has been on both sides of a breakup and argues that grieving endings properly is the key to releasing control and not internalizing rejection.
- 2 (02:43) **Stop Internalizing the Breakup** - The first and most important "do not" is to stop making the breakup mean something is wrong with you.
- 3 (06:33) **Don't Text 173 Times: See the Reality, Not the Fantasy** - The biggest mistake people make is trying to avoid the discomfort of the breakup by clinging to a false narrative about the person.
- 4 (08:11) **Process Anger and Sadness, Don't Bypass It** - Stop trying to turn everything into a lesson; sometimes it just sucks, and you need to feel the grief.
- 5 (10:05) **Anxious Folk Are Avoidant: The Real Work Is on You** - Anxious people avoid doing the deeper work on themselves by obsessing over why the other person doesn't like them.
- 6 (11:32) **Busy Is a Distraction, Not a Solution** - Keeping busy manages pain but doesn't process it; the grief will still be waiting for you.
- 7 (13:13) **Name the Urge Before You Text Them** - Every time you want to reach out, name what you are actually seeking: soothing, validation, an end to discomfort.
+ Full timestamped outline available in the app
Guests on this episode
Show Notes
How do you get over a breakup without making it mean something is wrong with you? In the final episode of the Things To Do and Not To Do series, Sabrina breaks down what to do and what not to do during and after a breakup, from why no contact matters (and why it shouldn't be used to make your ex miss you) to how to handle the urge to text your ex, stop ruminating, and accept that closure is a decision you make, even when you never get the conversation. She also covers processing anger and grief, moving on from someone who broke up with you months ago, staying civil with an ex you work with or co-parent with, and seeing your ex on dating apps.
Whether you got dumped or did the dumping, this episode will help you stop tying rejection to your self-worth, let go of who you hoped they would become, and heal after heartbreak without rushing it. Plus, Sabrina shares her tool of the week, the unsent letter, a simple exercise for releasing what you never got to say so you can finally move on.
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Chapters:
00:00 How to Handle Getting Dumped
03:12 Don't Make a Breakup About Your Worth
06:34 Why You Can't Stop Thinking About Your Ex
09:08 Processing Anger and Grief After Breakup
11:48 Breakup Withdrawal an
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