434. "I lost my brother at 16 to suicide, it shouldn't have happened" ft. Ben West

In January 2018, Ben West’s younger brother Sam died by suicide at age 15. Ben was 17. He had never spoken to Sam about his depression, and the loss derailed his plan to study engineering and fly helicopters. Instead, he became a mental health campaigner. Eight years later, he launched Reasons to Stay, a project that sends anonymous letters from strangers to people who are suicidal. Within three months, it had sent 3.6 million letters to 180 countries. This conversation covers how he got there, what grief actually feels like over time, and why he believes ordinary people can be part of the solution.

The shape of grief and trauma

Ben describes the early period after Sam’s death as a kind of bodily rejection. He didn’t eat for four days, couldn’t sleep, and went to school the next morning as if nothing had happened. “My brain was just like, nope, this is not happening, and I’m going to do what I’d normally do.” The adrenaline wore off within an hour, but the pattern of avoidance lasted much longer.

He now describes grief as a bonfire. In the beginning, you stand so close that the heat is all you feel. Over time, you gain distance. The fire is still there, and sometimes you notice it, but the intensity becomes less extreme. “It’s not the pain that makes you notice that this happened, but just going into a room you haven’t been into since he died.”