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5 min readThe Skill That Makes People Like You
In a world where most people are waiting for someone else to reach out first, the single most powerful relationship skill isn't charisma, intelligence, or humor—it's empathy. And according to Mel Robbins, most of us have been misunderstanding what empathy actually is. It's not mind reading, not guessing how someone feels, and definitely not jumping in to fix their problems. It's something far simpler and more learnable: the deliberate act of making another person feel understood.
Drawing on research from the University of Toronto, Robbins notes that the average person gets at least nine opportunities every day to practice empathy—moments where someone could use feeling seen, heard, or supported. The catch is that most of us miss them because we're on autopilot, filling in blanks about people instead of pausing to ask.
Ask, Don't Guess
The first and most important shift Robbins recommends is moving from assumption to inquiry. "Empathy is not stepping in someone else's shoes," she says. "Empathy is pausing long enough to ask the question." When you see someone struggling—a partner in a bad mood, a coworker missing deadlines, a child who seems withdrawn—the instinct is often to guess what's wrong and react accordingly. But guessing leads to judgment: They don't care. They're lazy. They're taking their stress out on me.
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What you'll learn
- 1 (00:08) **The One Skill That Makes Everyone Like You** - Mel introduces the core skill and promises four daily practices based on research.
- 2 (02:51) **Why You Like Your Favorite Person** - Mel explains the psychological foundation of likability.
- 3 (04:04) **The Law of Reciprocity & Mirror Neurons** - Mel explains the hardwired biology that makes empathy work.
- 4 (06:13) **Redefining Empathy with Dr. Stuart Ablon** - Mel shares a Harvard psychologist's simple definition of empathy.
- 5 (07:33) **Nine Chances a Day** - Mel shares the research on how often you can practice empathy.
- 6 (08:23) **Method #1: Ask, Don't Guess** - Mel introduces the first daily practice for showing empathy.
- 7 (13:28) **Ask in Joy, Too** - Mel expands the "Ask, Don't Guess" method to positive moments.
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Guests on this episode
Show Notes
If you want stronger relationships with the people in your life, there’s one skill you can get better at right now: empathy.
Empathy isn’t just something you feel. It’s something you practice – in the small, everyday moments when someone needs to feel understood, supported, remembered, or cared for.
In this episode, Mel teaches you 4 simple, research-backed ways to practice empathy and build more trust, connection, and closeness with your partner, family, friends, coworkers, and even people you’ve just met.
You’ll learn how to stop assuming you know what someone is feeling and truly understand them.
You’ll see how to turn the thought “I should reach out” into real connection.
And you’ll know how to show up for someone who is struggling without putting the burden on them to tell you what they need.
Mel also shares fascinating research on connection, a powerful lesson from organizational psychologist Adam Grant on the small gestures that strengthen relationships, and an unforgettable story from the late Judge Frank Caprio about what it really means to see the person standing in front of you.
You’ll learn:
-The simple question that can help someone feel truly understood
-How to get people to open up to you without pushing
-How to stop overthinking and finally reach out
-A better way to support someone who’s overwhelmed
-How to show up for people in the good moments, too
-The small actions that quietly build trust over time
- How to create more moments of connection in your everyday life
Strong relationships are built in the small moments. And when you start showing up differently in those moments, you don’t just make someone else’s life better.
You make your own life better, too.
This episode is sponsored by our exclusive insurance partner, Amica.
For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page.
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Mel also wants to tell you: