Stop Wasting Your Energy: How to Deal With People Who Won’t Change & What to Do Instead
August 27, 2026
AI Summary
5 min readStop Wasting Your Energy: How to Deal With People Who Won’t Change
Social psychologist Dr. Dolly Chugh, a Harvard-trained professor at NYU Stern School of Business, opens the episode with a provocative claim: there are only three things you can realistically do to help someone else change—model it, invite it, or reward it. You cannot make anyone change. The rest of the conversation unpacks why that is so hard to accept, and what to do instead of pushing, nagging, or lecturing.
Why Knowing Better Doesn't Mean Doing Better
Chugh explains the gap between knowing and doing by describing what she calls the mind's two "bodyguards." The first bodyguard protects energy: the brain runs on autopilot most of the time, processing about 11 million bits of information per second while only consciously handling about 40. That automatic pilot keeps us doing what we already know, even when we consciously decide to do something different.
The second bodyguard protects ego or identity. People have a deep need for agency—"I'm my own person, don't tell me what to do." When someone tries to push us toward change, they often trigger that bodyguard. The same thing happens when we try to push ourselves. As Chugh puts it, "Nobody tells Mel Robbins what to do—not even Mel Robbins."
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What you'll learn
- 1 (00:08) **Why We Can’t Change & The “Bodyguard” Metaphor** - Mel introduces the problem of wasted energy trying to push others to change, and Dr. Chugh explains the two internal barriers that block change in everyone.
- 2 (14:13) **The Stroop Test: Why Change Feels Like “Unlearning”** - Mel and Dr. Chugh perform a live demonstration of the Stroop effect to physically show what internal resistance feels like.
- 3 (18:49) **The Biggest Mistake: Proving vs. Improving** - Dr. Chugh reveals the core trap that prevents real growth: defending your identity instead of learning from mistakes.
- 4 (25:18) **How to End the Exhaustion: Two Daily Questions** - Mel asks how to stop the grind of constantly trying to be good, and Dr. Chugh offers a reframe for self-evaluation.
- 5 (32:54) **From Pushing to Pulling: The Three Levers of Influence** - The conversation shifts from self-change to influencing others, introducing the core framework for inspiring change in loved ones.
- 6 (37:02) **The Gandhi Fable: Modeling Change** - Dr. Chugh tells the story of Gandhi to illustrate the power of modeling change rather than demanding it.
- 7 (40:22) **Inviting and Rewarding Change** - Dr. Chugh breaks down the other two levers of influence with concrete examples.
+ Full timestamped outline available in the app
Guests on this episode
Show Notes
There’s someone in your life you wish would change.
You’ve pushed, reminded, and given advice. You’ve had the same conversation over and over.
And somehow, you’re still stuck in the same frustrating cycle of fighting, nagging, lecturing, and hoping they’ll finally do something differently.
There is a better way.
In today’s conversation, Mel sits down with renowned behavioral scientist and award-winning NYU professor Dr. Dolly Chugh to unpack the surprising science of why people resist change and what really works.
You’re going to walk away with some of the most powerful, research-backed tools Dr. Chugh teaches at NYU – tools that will change how you see difficult people, frustrating relationships, and your own ability to influence how others behave.
You’ll learn:
-The 3 things that really do help when someone you love won’t change
-The simple question to ask before giving advice – so it doesn’t backfire
-The 4-option question that reveals what someone needs from you in a difficult moment
-The relationship tool that keeps small problems from turning into 10-out-of-10 fights
-How to tell when “helping” someone is keeping them stuck
-The 2 “bodyguards” in your brain that explain why you know better but still don’t do better
-Why your brain can fight change even when you desperately want it
-The surprising role “unlearning” plays in changing a habit or behavior
If you’re exhausted from trying to change someone you love, this conversation will give you a different way forward – starting today – that feels lighter, more hopeful, and extremely doable.
Your relationships will never be the same. And neither will you.
For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page.
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Mel also wants to tell you: