AI Summary
5 min readThe Three Questions to Ask When Someone You Love Is Struggling
Dr. Lisa Damour, a clinical psychologist and three-time New York Times bestselling author, opens with a distinction that reframes the entire conversation about mental health. "The way we talk about mental health as a culture does not square with how we as psychologists understand it," she says. Most people assume that being mentally healthy means feeling calm and at ease. But that's not how clinicians assess it. Psychologists look for two things: Do the feelings fit the circumstance? And are they managed well? Distress, Damour insists, is often evidence that someone is working exactly as they should. If a teenager gets dumped, we expect sadness. If someone is mean to you, we expect hurt and self-protective anger. "The absence of it would be concerning," she says. The real red flags are not the presence of painful emotions—it's when those emotions start getting in the way of functioning, or when people turn to what Damour calls "costly coping."
The Two Red Flags: Mood and Costly Coping
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What you'll learn
- 1 (00:08) **Why Helping Often Backfires** - Mel introduces the painful paradox of wanting to help a struggling loved one but making things worse, and previews the three-question framework from Dr. Lisa Damour.
- 2 (03:44) **The Three Questions & Guest Introduction** - Mel explains why she pulled this interview from the archives: she and her husband recently used it to support a struggling family member.
- 3 (06:30) **Redefining Mental Health: Distress is Normal** - Dr. Damour explains that mental health is not about feeling good; it’s about whether feelings fit the circumstance and are managed well.
- 4 (13:39) **When to Worry: The Two Red Flags** - Dr. Damour pinpoints the exact conditions that signal a real problem: mood that gets in the way of functioning, or coping that comes at a cost.
- 5 (17:07) **The Crucial Mindset Shift: It Works for Them** - Dr. Damour explains that the first step in helping someone with costly coping is to recognize that their behavior is serving a purpose.
- 6 (20:56) **The "Part of You" Script** - Dr. Damour provides the exact language to use when confronting a loved one's behavior, focusing on internal conflict rather than external conflict.
- 7 (27:24) **Role Play: The Weed-Smoking Teen** - Dr. Damour demonstrates the calm, centered approach by role-playing a parent confronting a teen smoking weed in their room.
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Guests on this episode
Show Notes
Learn how to truly help someone you love.
When someone you care about is going through a difficult time, you can make a meaningful difference with a few simple words.
Today, clinical psychologist and three-time New York Times bestselling author Dr. Lisa Damour teaches you how to offer the right kind of support for your kid, partner, or friend without panicking, taking control, or trying to fix everything.
You’ll learn 3 questions that help you understand whether someone needs to vent, needs more support, or may need professional help.
Dr. Damour also explains why painful emotions are not always a sign that something is wrong, how to recognize when coping has become harmful, and why giving advice before understanding what someone needs can backfire.
This episode is one of Mel’s favorite conversations on The Mel Robbins Podcast, and she’s bringing it back with a brand new introduction and new insights for right now.
In it, Mel gets personal about supporting her husband through depression, parenting teenagers through intense emotions, and the mistakes she made when she tried to solve every problem.
In this episode, you’ll learn:
-The exact words to use when someone shuts down or pushes you away
-Why the advice you give can make someone feel worse
-How to respond when someone is drinking, using substances, self-harming, or avoiding life
-How to listen so the person feels supported
-The simple question to ask when someone is venting
-How to stay calm when someone you love is overwhelmed
-The 3 questions to ask when someone you love is struggling
-How to tell the difference between normal stress and a serious mental health concern
-The two warning signs that someone may need professional support
-When and how to ask directly about suicide or self-harm
-How to suggest therapy without making someone feel broken
By the time you finish listening, you’ll know what to say, what not to say, and how to show up for someone you love.
For more resources related to today’s episode, click here for the podcast episode page.
If you liked the episode, check out this one next: How to Motivate Yourself (and Others) to Change Any Behavior
Mel also wants to tell you: