Sabrina Zohar: How to Stop Chasing People Who Don’t Want You

October 7, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

Sabrina Zohar’s own path to understanding why she chased unavailable partners began with the biggest breakup of her life. She had dated someone who felt like her father—dismissive, cold, leaving her feeling small. After he ended things and left on a trip, she started therapy repeating, “It’s all my fault.” When her therapist mirrored that back, she had a moment of clarity: “Well, it couldn’t have all been my fault.” That crack in the armor became the starting point for the work she now teaches as a dating and relationship coach, and the subject of her book Why Am I Like This.

Why Familiar Feels Right (Even When It’s Wrong)

The core mechanism Zohar describes is that our nervous system learns how to keep us safe before we have language—in the first 18 months of life. A baby in the still-face experiment, where a mother suddenly goes expressionless, will either become frantic, shut down, or look around depending on its attachment history. Those micro-moments wire the nervous system to recognize certain relational dynamics as “safe” even when those dynamics are harmful.

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What you'll learn

1 Timestamped Outline
2 (00:00) **Episode Introduction** - Jay Shetty introduces Sabrina Zohar and her new book *Why Am I Like This*
3 (04:43) **Why "Feels Like Home" Can Be Dangerous** - Familiarity doesn't mean safety; it can mean repeating childhood wounds
4 (07:07) **The Still-Face Experiment & Early Attachment** - How pre-verbal experiences shape adult relationship patterns
5 (10:15) **Real-Life Example: The "No" That Triggered a 7-Year-Old** - Sabrina walks through her own protest behavior and how she repaired it
6 (12:30) **Building Confidence to Speak Up** - How to stop playing the "cool girl/guy" and start setting boundaries
7 (14:53) **Boundaries vs. Walls** - The critical distinction between keeping people in vs. keeping them out

+ Full timestamped outline available in the app

Show Notes

Jay sits down with dating and relationship coach Sabrina Zohar to unpack why we chase the familiar over the safe, how childhood attachment shapes adult dating patterns, and the real difference between boundaries and walls. Together they dig into anxious-avoidant dynamics, chemistry versus compatibility, why we fall for people's potential instead of their reality, and practical tools for healing and showing up differently in love.

With Love and Gratitude,

Jay Shetty

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What We Discuss:

00:00 Introduction

00:45 Sabrina's Turning Point: "Why Am I Like This?"

03:13 Familiarity Vs. Safety

05:19 How Childhood Attachment Shapes Us

08:45 Nervous System Triggers & Protest Behavior

11:01 Building Confidence & Setting Incremental Boundaries

13:47 Boundaries Vs. Walls

15:42 Guilt, Control, And People-Pleasing

19:14 Is There Such A Thing As "The One?"

21:14 Unhealthy Relationship Dynamics

25:50 Short-Term Discomfort Vs. Long-Term Unhappiness

29:47 The Fallacy of "Right Person, Wrong Time"

34:16 The Anxious-Avoidant Dynamic

39:02 Attachment Style Myths

41:56 Seeking Connection Vs. Testing For Validation

45:53 Peaceful Love Vs. "Trauma Tingles"

48:36 Green Flags & Early Dating Distractions

52:49 Stop Taking Things Personally

57:14 Pacing Emotional Intimacy

58:58 Why We Pursue Unavailable People

01:01:44 Overcoming Situationships

01:05:00 The Lonely Side of Healing

01:08:01 Finding Closure Within Yourself

01:10:45 Weaponizing "Therapy Speak" To Avoid Accountability

01:12:47 Overcoming Singlehood Scarcity

01:16:51 Falling For Potential Vs. Accepting Reality

01:18:41 Sabrina On Final Five

Episode Resources:

Read Sabrina’s book | https://sabrinazohar.com/book

Website | https://sabrinazohar.com

YouTube | https://youtube.com/@sabrina_zohar?si=92IqIf9b6jaIAoj5

Instagram | https://www.instagram.com/sabrina.zohar?stkn=MXRwNmN4Z3djMWh5Yg==

TikTok | https://www.tiktok.com/@sabrina.zohar?_r=1&_t=ZP-9AJwxjLdOV4

Facebook | https://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100063642420347&mibextid=wwXIfr

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