Life Kit
Life Kit

Overcoming romantic obsession

October 12, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

The neuroscience of romantic obsession

The term "limerence" was coined by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in the 1970s, but neuroscientist Tom Bellamy argues we now have something Tennov didn't: fifty years of brain science to explain why some crushes turn into full-blown addictions. Bellamy, author of Smitten, describes limerence as "an altered mental state fundamentally"—a state where romantic infatuation hijacks the brain's reward circuitry in ways that mirror gambling addiction. He knows this firsthand. Happily married, he nonetheless developed an intense craving for someone else, which led him to research what was happening inside his own head.

When wanting and liking come apart

Limerence starts innocently enough. The early phase is what Bellamy calls "love intoxication"—euphoria, exhilaration, a powerful desire to bond. That is not inherently unhealthy. The trouble begins when the feelings are directed at someone unavailable or incompatible, and uncertainty keeps the bond from forming. Then the dynamic shifts: instead of straightforward desire, you experience craving. Anxiety replaces anticipation when the person is absent. The relationship becomes a slot machine.

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What you'll learn

  • 1 (00:00) **Program Open & Host Introduction** - Host Marielle Segarra introduces the topic of romantic obsession through an anecdote about a bird trying to mate with a windup toy.
  • 2 (01:13) **Defining Limerence and When It Becomes Unhealthy** - Tom Bellamy explains limerence as an altered mental state, like love intoxication, and describes when it turns negative.
  • 3 (02:56) **Tom's Personal Experience with Limerence** - Tom shares that he started researching limerence after experiencing it himself while happily married.
  • 4 (04:09) **Symptoms of Limerence** - Marielle reads a list of characteristic symptoms from Tom's book, including intrusive thoughts, need for reciprocation, and mood dependency.
  • 5 (07:25) **Limerence as a Gambling Addiction** - Tom explains how unhealthy limerence works like a slot machine through intermittent reinforcement.
  • 6 (10:50) **The Neuroscience of Wanting vs. Liking** - Tom discusses how you can still want someone even after you stop liking them, and why understanding this is helpful.
  • 7 (12:24) **Strategy 1: Shift Your Mindset** - Tom outlines the first step to overcoming limerence: recognizing it's happening in your own mind.

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Show Notes

When a crush turns into a harmful obsession, you might experience limerence, romantic infatuation characterized by extreme emotional highs and lows, intrusive thoughts and idealization. In this episode, we talk to neuroscientist Tom Bellamy, author of the book Smitten, about how limerence works in the brain, what you can do to stop it, and how to replace limerence with healthier interests. This episode was originally published Sept. 16, 2025.

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