How honest should you really be? Tips for sharing good and bad news

October 22, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

In one study, researchers smeared lipstick or chocolate on their own faces, then walked up to 150 strangers on the street and asked them to take a survey. Only about four people told the researcher they had something on their face. This is the “mum effect” — minimizing unpleasant messages — in action. Even when the information is trivial and obviously helpful, people hesitate to share it because the act of pointing it out feels awkward and painful. Social psychologist Vanessa Bohns, author of Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share and What to Keep to Yourself, argues that this hesitation is rooted in a deep social calculus: we are constantly trying to predict how our words will affect our standing in a group. But the choice to say something at all communicates something powerful. It says, “I see you, I care about your suffering, I want to help you.” Often, the effort matters more than the content.

When honesty helps and when it hurts

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What you'll learn

1 (00:00) **Episode Introduction & Guest Setup** - Host Marielle Segarra introduces the dilemma of whether to speak up or stay quiet, and brings in social psychologist Vanessa Bonds (Cornell University) and her book *Should I Say Something?* as the expert guide.
2 (03:38) **When Honesty IS the Best Policy (and When It’s Not)** - Vanessa distinguishes between actionable feedback and honesty without instrumental value.
3 (04:47) **The “Mum Effect” – Why We Avoid Giving Honest Feedback** - Vanessa introduces the research phenomenon that explains our reluctance to speak up, even in obvious situations.
4 (06:31) **Takeaway 1: Check if Feedback is Actionable** - The first practical tool: consider whether the person can actually do something with the information before deciding to share.
5 (06:53) **Two Mental Tricks to Decide If Feedback Should Be Given** - Vanessa shares cognitive reframing techniques to get past your own discomfort.
6 (07:50) **Real-World Example: Post-Interview Feedback** - Vanessa applies the framework to a concrete workplace scenario to illustrate when feedback is useful versus pointless.
7 (08:44) **Takeaway 2: Don’t Assume – Just Ask** - The second practical tool: rather than guessing whether someone wants feedback, simply give them the choice.

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Show Notes

Should you tell a colleague that you heard they might be fired? A stranger that they have spinach in their teeth? Your followers that you just won a big award? In this episode of Life Kit, reporter Andee Tagle speaks with social psychologist Vanessa Bohns, author of the new book Should I Say Something? The Science of What to Share — and What to Keep to Yourself. Bohns shares tips on when to be honest, the best ways to share good and bad news, and what to say when it feels like there's no right thing to say.

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