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The Science Of Emotion Regulation: A Five-Step Plan For Not Losing Your Sh*t | Marc Brackett

September 21, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

Marc Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, argues that most people misunderstand emotion regulation. It is not about suppressing, ignoring, or denying feelings. It is about using your emotions wisely to achieve what you want in life. On this episode of 10% Happier, Brackett tells Dan Harris that the real skill is not just managing feelings in the heat of the moment, but preparing for those moments in advance. He calls this proactive regulation, and he offers a five-step framework called the Meta Moment to help people become their best selves when it matters most.

What Emotion Regulation Is (and Isn't)

Brackett is direct about what his field does not advocate. "It's not denying your emotions. It's not ignoring your emotions. It's not suppressing your emotions," he says. He recalls giving a talk to lawyers who claimed they "leave their feelings at the door." His response: "I wish that were biologically possible." Emotions happen regardless of willpower. The question is whether they help or hinder your goals. Brackett defines regulation as the ability to see a feeling, assess whether it is useful, and shift it if it is not. This is not about becoming a doormat. "Your best self should not be a doormat," he insists. "Your best self is the self that will help you preserve your dignity and also the other person's dignity." Sometimes the bes

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What you'll learn

  • 1 (00:03) **Introduction & Defining Emotion Regulation** - Dan Harris introduces Dr. Marc Brackett, founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence, returning as a fan favorite to discuss proactive emotional regulation.
  • 2 (03:36) **Proactive vs. Reactive Regulation** - The conversation shifts to focusing on what you can do *in advance* of a triggering situation to set yourself up for success, rather than just trying to control yourself in the moment.
  • 3 (06:08) **The "Feelings Master" & The Best Self Concept** - Brackett and Harris explore the idea of having a "best self" as a strategic tool for regulation, moving beyond psychobabble to a practical identity shift.
  • 4 (10:07) **Anticipatory Regulation in Action** - Brackett details a high-stakes example: preparing for a keynote speech to 500 superintendents in a state where his work is politically opposed.
  • 5 (14:26) **The Power of Constructive Self-Talk** - The hosts discuss the evidence behind using self-talk to move from a self-saboteur mindset into a goal-achieving one.
  • 6 (16:40) **Best Self vs. Reflexive Self in Leadership** - Brackett contrasts how a leader's "true" or reflexive self (expressing frustration) can damage team culture, while the "best self" can inspire and build trust.
  • 7 (20:46) **Introducing the Five-Step Meta Moment** - Brackett outlines the "Meta Moment," a five-step process co-created with colleague Robin Stern, designed to create space between a trigger and a reaction.

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Show Notes

Plus: why being your 'best self' isn't about being nice or passive, why regulation starts before things go wrong, and how 'polyregulation' can help you up your game.

Marc Brackett, Ph.D. is the author of Dealing with Feeling: Use Your Emotions to Create the Life You Want and the bestselling Permission to Feel. He is the founding director of the Yale Center for Emotional Intelligence and a professor in the Child Study Center at Yale University. You can watch Marc's podcast interviews here. 

In this episode we talk about:

  • Why your "true self" might be the worst version of you
  • The five-step process for catching yourself before you explode
  • What to tell yourself in the doorway before you walk into a hard moment
  • Why breathwork alone won't fix everything you're feeling
  • The simple fix for total disengagement in your next Zoom meeting
  • Why your best self should never be a doormat
  • How to repair after you say the nastiest thing you've ever said
  • How to build a go-to strategy before you even need it

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