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That Feeling of "Always-Behind and Never-Enough"—Here's the Antidote | Ellen Hendriksen

July 24, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

On her first appearance on 10% Happier, clinical psychologist Ellen Hendriksen was so anxious that after the recording she could only fixate on her mistakes—a lost train of thought, a stumble over words, an awkward moment. Her editor had to steer her into a bar. Seven years later, Hendriksen has learned to treat that post-microphone self-flagellation as just part of the script, like being seated at a restaurant. “I record, I leave, I think it stinks, and then usually it’s fine,” she says. That small shift in relationship to her own inner critic is the core of her message: perfectionism isn’t really about striving for perfection. It’s about never feeling good enough.

What Perfectionism Actually Is

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What you'll learn

  • 1 (04:07) **Defining Perfectionism as "Never Feeling Good Enough"** - Ellen Hendriksen argues that perfectionism is a misnomer; it’s not about striving for perfection, but about a chronic sense of inadequacy.
  • 2 (11:56) **How Perfectionism Manifests Physically** - Hendriksen describes how her grinding perfectionism led to severe physical symptoms around age 40.
  • 3 (13:52) **Perfectionism as the Root of Other Disorders** - Perfectionism is not a diagnosable disorder but a core mindset underlying conditions like social anxiety, OCD, and eating disorders.
  • 4 (15:30) **Where Perfectionism Comes From: Genetics, Family, and Culture** - The trait is a product of both internal wiring and external pressures.
  • 5 (19:00) **The Paradox: Performance Blocks Connection** - The pursuit of admiration and impressive performance is fundamentally different from the pursuit of belonging and love.
  • 6 (24:10) **Adaptive vs. Maladaptive Perfectionism** - High standards are not the enemy; the problem is when they become fused with self-worth.
  • 7 (32:12) **Shift #1: From Self-Criticism to Kindness** - The goal is not to eliminate self-criticism but to change your relationship to it.

+ Full timestamped outline available in the app

Show Notes

Move on from the inner critic and beat perfectionism without lowering your standards.

Dr. Ellen Hendriksen is a clinical psychologist who helps people calm their anxiety and be their authentic self. She serves on the faculty at Boston University's Center for Anxiety and Related Disorders (CARD) and is the author of HOW TO BE ENOUGH: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists and HOW TO BE YOURSELF: Quiet Your Inner Critic and Rise Above Social Anxiety. You can find her on Substack at How to Be Good to Yourself When You're Hard on Yourself. This episode originally aired in 2025. 

In this episode we talk about:

  • The relationship between perfectionism and anxiety
  • The definition of perfectionism––and why the word is actually a misnomer
  • Dr. Hendriksen's own struggles with perfectionism, and how they manifested physically
  • The difference between healthy perfectionism and unhealthy perfectionism
  • Changing your relationship with your inner critic 
  • Shifting from rigid rules to flexibility
  • Keeping high standards while making room for mistakes
  • Overcoming procrastination
  • Navigating social comparison
  • And much more

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