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Annoying Partners, Aging Parents, Impossible Coworkers: Buddhist Advice for Conflict, Communication, and "Patience with Teeth" | devon and nico hase

September 30, 2026

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5 min read

Annoying Partners, Aging Parents, Impossible Coworkers: Buddhist Advice for Conflict, Communication, and "Patience with Teeth"

Buddhist teachers and married couple Devon and Nico Hase spent three years in a traditional Tibetan retreat—tens of thousands of hours of meditation—and then promptly bought a van, drove it to a remote island in Canada, and nearly drove it off a cliff. "It turns out that meditation does not make you perfect," Nico says. "It actually just makes you even more human." That admission sets the tone for their book This Messy Gorgeous Love, which applies Buddhist principles to conflict in romantic relationships, at work, with aging parents, and with children. The core insight: friction is not a bug in relationships—it's the feature.

The First Noble Truth: Relationships Are Rough

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What you'll learn

  • 1 (00:43) **Book Origin & Co-Author Dynamic** - Dan introduces Devon and Nico Hase and their book *This Messy Gorgeous Love*; Dan asks if writing it nearly led to homicide
  • 2 (03:50) **Beyond Romance: Conflict in All Relationships** - The book's principles apply to parenting, aging parents, and workplace conflicts, not just romantic partners
  • 3 (05:08) **First Noble Truth: Relationships Are Rough** - Devin explains dukkha (the bumpy ride) and why accepting friction is the starting point
  • 4 (09:06) **Dukkha Is a Feature, Not a Bug** - Nico argues the friction in close relationships is the raw material for growth and transformation
  • 5 (11:55) **Three-Way Listening: The Core Practice** - Devin translates mindfulness as "listening" and describes three directions: internal, external, and listening to the relationship itself
  • 6 (15:00) **Concrete Meditation: Listening to Yourself, Your Partner, Your Relationship** - Nico walks through a simple three-step meditation practice
  • 7 (19:00) **The Danger of Buddhist Conflict Avoidance** - Devin warns that Dharma culture can make people "conflict avoidant" by over-identifying with being a "good practitioner"

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Show Notes

Which conflict style are you? Plus: avoiding the "trance of nice," walking the high wire, and an uber-hack for getting over irritation.

devon + nico hase serve as guiding teachers of the online dharma community Refuge of Belonging. They teach at the Insight Meditation Society, Spirit Rock, and other centers, offer online and in-person retreats, and speak with students in one-on-one sessions. They are the co-authors of How Not to Be a Hot Mess and the new This Messy, Gorgeous Love: A Buddhist Guide to Lasting Partnership. 

In this episode we talk about:

  • Why friction in relationships is a feature, not a bug
  • The three directions of listening
  • Why joy isn't a nice-to-have
  • How contemplating death can dissolve everyday irritation
  • Whether you're a volcano, a diplomat, or a dodger
  • How to rupture like a pro
  • Why real patience has teeth
  • What it means to walk the high wire in a conflict

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