292 - Collectibles (1999)

August 15, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

In 1999, Cecil Palmer is seconds away from winning an eBay auction for a "bear's above"—a plush bear with horns, cloven hooves, and pentacles for eyes. He pays $225, $150 over market value, and can already picture what this cute little guy will be worth in, say, 2019. Cecil has been "cybering constantly on the internet," using America Online and a web browser to buy collectible beanie babies as a surefire investment. His collection already includes Sculmander, Knife Child, Princess Diana, Hello Kitty, the special English Patient edition, and Pig Carcass. But these are no ordinary plush toys. They walk around his house chattering in a squeaky language, dance when he plays music, and sometimes push their bodies together in ways that make him uncomfortable. They're like cats, Cecil explains, "but they never have to pee your poop, and they're not poisonous to the touch."

A concerned email and a hacked account

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What you'll learn

1 (00:05) **Episode Introduction and Ads** - Jeffrey Craner introduces Night Vale cologne, new merchandise, and Joseph Fink's novel "The Nudge," followed by a Pepsi ad and a Geico ad.
2 (02:14) **Leonard Burton's Map** - The deceased Leonard Burton speaks from an incomprehensible dimension, describing a map of all possible events.
3 (04:37) **Classic Episode Introduction** - A flashback to a 1999 episode where Cecil Palmer announces he is a proud owner of a "bear's above" beanie baby won on eBay.
4 (05:11) **Cecil Discovers eBay and Beanie Babies** - Cecil explains the internet and eBay to listeners, boasting about his beanie baby collection as a surefire investment.
5 (08:18) **Community Calendar** - Reverend McClain plans a "stop the youth" march, a rave with DJ Witch Mommy is announced, and Minerva Day replaces Saturday for the week.
6 (10:19) **Listener Email from Josie** - Cecil receives an email from "middle-aged woman Josie" warning that his beanie babies are not authenticated and may be dangerous.
7 (14:30) **Missing Persons Investigation** - Sheriff Dan names Reverend McClain a person of interest in the disappearance of local youth, noting McClain's church isn't recognized by the Baptist World Alliance.