We Were Wrong About Secure Attachment & It's Ruining Our Relationships

September 16, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

“I spend time with my pain, literally every morning,” says Dr. Marissa Franco. “I’m like, how am I activated? I’m okay. I’m safe. I’m safe. I’m safe.” This is not self-help platitude. It is the core practice of a radically different way of understanding secure attachment—one that Franco, a professor of psychology and author of the new book Worth, argues we have been getting wrong. The conventional wisdom, she says, has created a hierarchy where secure attachment sits at the top, and anxious or avoidant styles are problems to be fixed or hidden. But this approach, she warns, leads people to abandon their own internal reality in the name of acting secure, which paradoxically reenacts the very harm that made them insecure in the first place.

The problem with "acting secure"

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What you'll learn

1 (00:00) **The Core Mistake** - Dr. Marissa Franco introduces the central thesis: attachment theory has been misapplied, creating a hierarchy that shames people for their natural attachment patterns.
2 (02:04) **Attachment Styles Explained** - Dr. Franco defines the four attachment styles: secure, anxious, avoidant, and disorganized, rooted in early caregiver relationships.
3 (04:28) **The Trap of "Acting Secure"** - Dr. Franco shares a personal story of trying to act secure while feeling neglected, and explains how this approach causes self-abandonment.
4 (05:59) **The Danger of Forced Grace** - The host highlights Dr. Franco's line about women destroying their sense of self to have grace for others, and they explore how this manifests.
5 (09:47) **How Secure People Handle Feelings** - Dr. Franco explains that truly secure people actively scan for subtle negative feelings rather than suppressing them.
6 (11:35) **Myth vs. Fact: Can Relationships Heal You?** - The host introduces a game to debunk common attachment myths, starting with whether healing can come from relationships.
7 (15:12) **Self-Verification Theory: Why Success Feels Bad** - The conversation dives into why people with low self-worth sabotage positive relationships and experiences.

+ Full timestamped outline available in the app

Show Notes

We have more resources than ever before to become securely attached, but rates of secure attachment are DROPPING. Dr. Marisa G. Franco, professor of psychology, says it’s because we’re getting attachment theory all wrong.

In this episode, Dr. Marisa G. Franco shares clear solutions so we can have better relationships with others, with ourselves, and feel better overall.

🎧 What you’ll learn:

• Exactly how you can change your memories to be happier and more securely attached

• What attachment style you are (and when it can change)

• How attachment styles are formed and how to actively change them

• The two types of "high self-esteem" and which one you want

• A habit that signals insecurity, even when you think you're secure

• What’s happening when getting the love or job you want doesn’t make you feel better longterm (and what actually will)

If you like this episode, check out “The 40 BEST Health & Happiness Hacks I've Learned In 40 Years” episode:

• Listen/Watch on Spotify

• Listen on Apple

• Watch on YouTube

For more from Dr. Marisa G. Franco:

• Her Book, Worth: https://www.penguinrandomhouse.com/books/784327/worth-by-marisa-g-franco-phd/

• Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drmarisagfranco/?hl=en

• Website: https://drmarisagfranco.com/

Ready to uplevel every part of your life? Order Liz’s book 100 Ways to Change Your Life: The Science of Leveling Up Health, Happiness, Relationships & Success now!

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