AI Summary
5 min readYou need to disappoint more people. Not by being rude or careless, but by learning the skill of delivering a no and letting the other person sit with the feeling that follows. Jefferson Fisher, a trial lawyer turned communication coach, argues that most people do not actually struggle with saying no. They struggle with the feeling of what happens after the no — the awkward silence, the fear of being disliked, the imagined "parade of terribles" that plays out in their head. The episode is built around a single, counterintuitive thesis: disappointing people is not a failure of kindness; it is a necessary skill for anyone who wants to lead, parent, or communicate honestly.
The real problem is not the no — it is the feeling after
Fisher draws a sharp distinction between the act of declining and the emotional aftermath. "You don't struggle with no," he says. "You struggle with the feeling of what happens after the no." That feeling — the anticipation of someone else's disappointment — is what causes the heartburn, the hesitation, and the impulse to over-explain or backtrack. He calls this the "parade of terribles": the stories we invent about how crushed the other person will be, how the relationship will sour, how everything will fall apart because we said no.
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What you'll learn
- 1 You Need to Disappoint More People
- 2 The Jefferson Fisher Podcast
- 3 (00:00) **Disappointment Is a Skill** - Jefferson introduces the core thesis: disappointing people is a learnable skill essential for leadership, communication, and relationships
- 4 (03:40) **The Core Mindset Shift** - Jefferson delivers the episode's central principle: you are not responsible for resolving other people's emotions
- 5 (05:26) **Who Owns the Feelings?** - Jefferson explains the importance of distinguishing whose feelings belong to whom in a difficult conversation
- 6 (07:19) **Why Confident Leaders Disappoint People** - Jefferson argues that effective leaders inevitably disappoint others because they prioritize their own expectations
- 7 (08:03) **Phrase #1: Name the Disappointment** - Jefferson shares the first practical phrase: use the word "disappoint" explicitly
+ Full timestamped outline available in the app
Guests on this episode
Show Notes
Disappointing people does not make you a bad person. But if you are always trying to manage everyone else's expectations, you will eventually lose sight of your own. In this episode, I break down how to say no without carrying the weight of someone else's reaction, why the feeling after the no is often harder than the no itself, and how to set a boundary without overexplaining, apologizing, or backing down. Order The Next Conversation Workbook: https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/workbook Want a FREE communication tip each week? Click here to join my newsletter. https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/newsletter Thank you to our Sponsors: Gusto: Go to https://gusto.com/jefferson and use code JEFFERSON to get three months free when you run your first payroll. BetterHelp. Click https://betterhelp.com/jeffersonfisher for a discount on your first month of therapy. Like what you hear? Don’t forget to subscribe and leave a 5-star review! Order my new book, The Next Conversation, today! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/book Suggest a topic or ask a question for me to answer on the show! https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/topic Join my School of Communication. https://www.jeffersonfisher.com/membership Follow me on Instagram https://www.instagram.com/jefferson_fisher Follow me on TikTok https://www.tiktok.com/@justaskjefferson?lang=en Follow me on LinkedIn https://www.linkedin.com/in/jeffersonfisher/
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