AI Summary
5 min read"Our Kids Are Destroying Our Sex Life"
A caller named Ben, married eight years with a four-year-old and a one-year-old, tells Dr. John Delony that intimacy with his wife has become a struggle—not the sex itself, which he says is great, but the getting there. He feels like he doesn't "have a seat at the table" because his wife carries the weight of motherhood—breastfeeding, body image, exhaustion—and his own desires feel secondary. He wants to approach the conversation with empathy but also get his point across.
The real question behind "we need to communicate"
Delony cuts to the chase: "Almost always when somebody says, 'I want to work on my communication in my marriage,' what they're asking is, 'How do I get my spouse to do what I want them to do?'" He reframes the problem entirely. Ben and his wife had four years of marriage before kids—time, margin, spontaneity, energy. Then came pregnancy, a toddler, another pregnancy, a newborn. Now his wife's body hasn't been her own for years, she's touched out, and she doesn't know what day it is. Ben is looking at what feels like a permanent loss of the woman he married.
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What you'll learn
- 1 (03:24) **The Real Problem Behind Communication Fails** - John reframes Ben's question about intimacy after kids, revealing that "working on communication" often means "how do I get my spouse to do what I want."
- 2 (08:48) **Three Challenges for Direct Desire and Depersonalizing Rejection** - John gives Ben a concrete framework for initiating sex without games and handling "no" without taking it personally.
- 3 (11:24) **The Mental Load: What She's Really Carrying** - John pivots to the invisible labor that kills desire, using a story about a couple where the wife felt her identity was tied to managing everything.
- 4 (15:32) **The Old Marriage Is Over: Grieve and Rebuild** - John delivers the core reframe: the pre-kids marriage is gone, and every ounce of energy spent wishing it back is wasted.
- 5 (18:48) **Practical Tool: The Together App** - John offers a free year of the Together app to help Ben and his wife build daily micro-connections.
- 6 (24:06) **Widow Seeking Love vs. Grieving Son** - Janine, a widow of four and a half years, describes her new engagement and her oldest son's refusal to accept her new partner.
- 7 (30:02) **The Sophie's Choice: New Husband or Grieving Son** - John outlines the impossible choice Janine faces and gives her permission to stop trying to fix her son.
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Guests on this episode
Show Notes
🔥 Microhabits for a better marriage. Download the Together app.
On today’s episode, we hear about:
- A husband feeling like sex is a distant memory after becoming a parent
- A widow whose son refuses to accept her new relationship
- A man deciding whether reconnecting with his dad is worth it
Next Steps:
❤️ Get away with your spouse today!
📞 Ask John a question! Call 844-693-3291 or send us a message.
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