The Dr. John Delony Show
The Dr. John Delony Show

Caller: “Is My Relationship With My Kids Unhealthy?”

September 28, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

A Mother’s Fear: Am I Leaning Too Hard on My Kids?

A caller named Samantha from Calgary asked Dr. John Delony a question many single parents wrestle with but rarely say out loud: after five years of being single, how do I know whether my need for connection with my kids is healthy love or something closer to codependency? She described a familiar pattern—when her two young children return from extended summer visits with their father, she feels an almost overwhelming relief and joy. But then the doubt creeps in: is the affection I’m giving them really for them, or is it for me?

Delony’s response was immediate and direct. He told her that missing her kids intensely when they’re gone is not a problem. “I want your kids to know that mom’s life is better when they’re home,” he said. He described his own over-the-top reunions with his children after time apart. The instinct to let children feel wanted and missed is healthy. The trouble starts, he explained, when children begin to sense that they are responsible for carrying their parent’s emotional weight. “Kids know when they are responsible for their parents’ emotional needs,” Delony said. “It’s like wearing a backpack—suddenly you click the shoulder straps and the waist strap, and they’re carrying it.”

The Real Question: Who Else Is Carrying You?

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What you'll learn

  • 1 (01:07) **Samantha's Core Question: Healthy Connection or Codependency?** - A single mother of two, divorced for two years, asks whether her intense joy and affection when her kids return from their father's house is a healthy expression of love or an unhealthy outsourcing of her emotional needs onto them.
  • 2 (03:03) **The "Backpack" of Emotional Responsibility** - Dr. Delony introduces the key distinction: kids should feel wanted, but they should never feel responsible for their parent's emotional stability.
  • 3 (04:56) **The Natural Pain of Separation** - Dr. Delony reframes Samantha's loneliness as a normal, even healthy, human response to being separated from her children.
  • 4 (07:47) **Practical Guardrails: Secrets and Sadness** - Samantha asks for specific red flags to watch for, and Dr. Delony provides clear, actionable boundaries.
  • 5 (09:13) **The Uncomfortable Truth of the Divorce** - Dr. Delony pivots to the deeper issue: the grief and guilt Samantha carries from the divorce, which is driving her overthinking.
  • 6 (11:09) **The Hurricane Analogy: Shelter vs. Suffocation** - Dr. Delony uses a powerful metaphor to illustrate the difference between protecting a child and trapping them in your own trauma.
  • 7 (15:28) **The Grief of a Blown-Up Life** - Dr. Delony names the core emotion: grief for the life Samantha thought she would have.

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Guests on this episode

Dr. John Delony

Show Notes

🔥 Microhabits for a Better Marriage: ⁠https://ter.li/l3b369p1⁠

 

On today’s episode, we hear about:

  • A mom wondering if she has an unhealthy attachment to her kids
  • A wife considering whether to hide her inheritance from her husband
  • A woman unsure if her sister is the product of an affair

 

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