Why we complain and how to do it better

"Everybody does it, so it has to have a function." That is how Clemson University psychologist Robin Kowalski sums up complaining—a behavior so universal that she has built a career studying it, starting when a former advisor told her, facetiously, "You're such a good complainer. Why don't you study that?" At the time, only one psychology study on complaining existed. Decades later, Kowalski's research has mapped why we complain, when it helps, when it hurts, and how to do it with finesse.

The two kinds of complaining

Kowalski distinguishes between two fundamental types. Expressive complaining is cathartic venting—getting dissatisfaction off your chest with no particular goal beyond feeling better. Instrumental complaining aims at a specific outcome: returning a defective product, getting a company to fix a service, or asking a spouse to explain why they are late again. The same complaint can serve both functions, but the distinction matters because each requires a different audience. Expressive complaining works best with sympathetic friends; instrumental complaining needs to go to someone who can actually solve the problem.