Finding the Love of Your Life — Part 3

When Rick Warren asked his congregation to look at the list of non-negotiables for choosing a spouse, he pointed out something conspicuous by its absence: "There was not one word about appearance. Not one word about how they look." This observation cuts directly against the grain of a culture that tells you the most important thing in a marriage is sexual attraction. If that were true, Warren argues, Hollywood marriages — populated by people better looking than the rest of us — would last the longest. They don't.

The qualities that actually predict a healthy marriage

Warren works through a series of biblical proverbs to build a framework for what to look for — and what to run from — in a potential spouse. The list is organized around emotional health, not chemistry or compatibility of interests.

The warning signs are concrete. Uncontrolled anger, addictions, bitterness, selfishness, and greed all appear as red flags. "Selfish people cause trouble," Warren says, citing Proverbs 28:25, and he calls selfishness "the number one cause of conflict in marriage." The mechanism is straightforward: conflict arises when both partners want what they want and neither is willing to budge. The more unselfish each person is, the more the relationship works.