How to Get a Marriage Makeover—Part Three

Rick Warren opens this message with a blunt admission: he and his wife Kay were once "about that far away from a divorce." They were in "marital hell." The confession is not decorative. It sets up the entire argument of the talk—that a failing marriage can be turned around, but only through a specific sequence of steps that begin not with the other person, but with yourself.

Warren presents a five-step framework, using the letters A through E, for what he calls a "marriage makeover." The framework is practical, sequential, and rooted in the premise that most people approach marriage problems backward—waiting for their spouse to change first, or waiting to feel loving before acting loving.

Start with the easiest fix

The first step, A, is to "accept responsibility." Warren advises couples to tackle one problem at a time, starting with the easiest one. "Get some wins under your belt," he says. "Get some successes under your belt before you start attempting the moderate problems and then the real big ones." This is not spiritual advice dressed up as therapy; it is straightforward behavioral strategy. The logic is that accumulated small successes build momentum and make it psychologically possible to address harder issues later. The alternative—trying to solve everything at once—tends to produce paralysis and resignation.