Honoring Difficult Parents: Boundaries, Guilt, and Kibud Av Va'Em, with Rabbi Larry Rothwachs (307)

October 12, 2026

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5 min read

Honoring Difficult Parents: Boundaries, Guilt, and Kibud Av Va'Em

"When a parent says 'you have to because I'm your mother,' they're sort of describing the child's mitzvah as if it was the parent's possession. It's not the way it works." So says Rabbi Larry Rothwachs, a longtime congregational rabbi and licensed clinical social worker, in a nuanced conversation about what the Torah actually requires when honoring parents comes at a significant emotional cost.

The conversation deliberately avoids extremes. On one end, situations involving physical danger or credible threats require professional guidance and no assumptions about halachic obligations. On the other, ordinary parental friction—too much advice, irritating comments at the Shabbos table—is painful but not a reason to shut a parent out. The real difficulty lies in the middle: relationships that are objectively unhealthy in certain ways, where the right response is not obvious.

What Kibud Av Va'Em Actually Requires

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What you'll learn

1 (02:28) **Defining the Scope: When is a Parent “Difficult”?** - Rabbi Rothwachs and Scott Kahn set the boundaries for the conversation, excluding both extreme danger and ordinary parental friction.
2 (09:39) **The Overcorrection of Therapeutic Culture** - Rabbi Rothwachs warns against the modern rush to self-diagnose and overuse terms like “toxic” and “narcissist.”
3 (12:14) **The Four Zones of Parental Behavior** - A practical framework for assessing the severity of a relationship problem.
4 (15:01) **The Subjectivity of “Reasonable” Requests** - What feels like a reasonable request for space varies wildly between families.
5 (17:41) **Redefining “Boundaries”: What They Are and Are Not** - The most actionable segment on the mechanics of boundary-setting.
6 (21:17) **Practical Examples of Boundaries** - Concrete options for structuring a challenging relationship without cutting off contact.
7 (24:53) **What Kibud Av Va’Em Actually Requires (and Doesn’t)** - A crucial halachic clarification that separates obligation from guilt.

+ Full timestamped outline available in the app

Guests on this episode

Larry Rothwachs

Show Notes

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What happens when honoring your parents comes at a significant emotional cost? When a parent is constantly critical, makes you feel guilty, interferes with your marriage, or refuses to respect your independence, what does the Torah actually require of you? Are you obligated to obey your parents, even when their demands seem unreasonable? Can you establish boundaries without violating kibbud av va'em? And how do you distinguish between the genuine obligations of honoring your parents and the expectations they may impose upon you?

In this episode of the Orthodox Conundrum, Rabbi Larry Rothwachs, a longtime congregational rabbi and licensed clinical social worker, joins me for an important and nuanced conversation about difficult parental relationships. We explore the difference between ordinary parental imperfections and genuinely unhealthy patterns, the proper meaning of boundaries, the sometimes overwhelming power of guilt, and the tension between loyalty to parents and responsibility to one's spouse and children.

We also examine what halacha actually demands, what it doesn't, and how rabbis and therapists can work together to help people navigate these painful situations.

At the heart of our conversation is a question that is deeply personal: How do we honor our parents without surrendering our independence, our emotional health, or the other relationships that matter most?

Listen to the new Naaseh weekly podcast!

Each week, host Ari Levisohn, joined by Rav Jeremy Tibbetts or Lazar Berman, starts with a close reading of the Parsha and asks what happens when we try to actually live it - not only in our own lives, but in the communities we create - and the kind of society we're trying to build. Because Torah isn't only meant to describe a better world. It's meant to help us build one.

The Bereishit episode of Naaseh is out now. Find it on Spotify, Apple Podcasts , or YouTube.

Rabbi Rothwachs is the founder of StepAhead Counseling (stepaheadcounseling.com), where he specializes in couples therapy, family relationships, and parental support, integrating evidence-based therapeutic approaches with his extensive experience in rabbinic a