Lenny's Podcast: Product | Career | Growth

How to build deeper, more robust relationships | Carole Robin (Stanford GSB professor, “Touchy Feely”)

April 25, 2024

AI Summary

5 min read

Carole Robin, longtime Stanford GSB professor of Interpersonal Dynamics ("Touchy Feely") and founder of Leaders in Tech, explains how interpersonal skills drive professional success, leadership, and personal fulfillment. Drawing from her course, book Connect, and nonprofit programs, she outlines practical ways to shift relationships from superficial contact to functional, robust, or even exceptional levels through targeted behaviors like disclosure and feedback.

Relationship Continuum and Core Skills

Relationships range from dysfunctional contact (e.g., thousands of shallow Facebook connections) to exceptional ones marked by mutual knowledge, trust, honesty, conflict resolution, and commitment to growth. Core skills—progressive disclosure, vulnerability, and feedback—move any relationship toward robust functionality, enabling better teams, communities, and leadership. People do business with people, not ideas; referent power (inspiring others to emulate you) sustains long-term influence over transactional motives like money or vision.

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What you'll learn

1 **[05:19] Robust relationships defined and their benefits**
2 **[10:41] Touchy Feely class overview and goals**
3 **[17:18] Leaders in Tech program details**
4 **[21:35] Progressive disclosure and 15% rule**
5 **[26:50] Power of vulnerability in leadership**
6 **[39:17] Common limiting mental models**
7 **[44:04] Feedback via three realities and side-of-net**

+ Full timestamped outline available in the app

Show Notes

Carole Robin spent over 20 years teaching the Stanford Graduate School of Business course Interpersonal Dynamics, affectionately known as “Touchy Feely.” After leaving Stanford, she founded a nonprofit called Leaders in Tech, which applies the Touchy Feely principles to help Silicon Valley executives build their leadership and interpersonal skills. Carole co-authored the popular book Connect: Building Exceptional Relationships with Family, Friends, and Colleagues, which shares key insights from her decades of teaching these courses. In our conversation, we discuss:

• The benefits of building robust relationships, in life and work

• The 15% rule, and how it will help you build better relationships

• The power of vulnerability

• Examples of how to practice vulnerability

• Why mental models you build early in life hold you back later

• The “three realities” and “the net”

• The art of inquiry

• Practical tips for avoiding defensiveness when getting feedback

• The impact of long Covid on Carole’s life

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Find the transcript at: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com/p/build-robust-relationships-carole-robin

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Where to find Carole Robin:

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/carole-robin/

• Email: [email protected]

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Where to find Lenny:

• Newsletter: https://www.lennysnewsletter.com

• X: https://twitter.com/lennysan

• LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/lennyrachitsky/

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In this episode, we cover:

(00:00) Carole’s background

(05:17) The importance of building robust relationships

(10:20) The “Touchy Feely” course at Stanford

(13:29) An example of the in-class experience

(17:19) Leaders in Tech: developing interpersonal competence

(21:36) Progressive disclosure and the 15% rule

(24:28) Appropriate disclosure

(26:52) The power of vulnerability

(34:57) Admitting mistakes and sharing feelings

(37:08) Understanding mental models

(42:57) The “