AI Summary
5 min readHow Our Perceptions Shape Our Relationships
In the 17th century novel Don Quixote, the aging knight transforms a rough peasant woman named Aldonza Lorenzo into the radiant Dulcinea in his mind. Seven hundred years earlier, the nine-year-old Dante Alighieri saw Beatrice Portinari at a May Day party and fell in love at first sight—though they would have almost no contact afterward. Dante's imagination of Beatrice eventually became the inspiration for his Divine Comedy, where she took on the role of savior. As psychologist Edward Lemay notes, "people have a way of filling in the blanks and constructing images of people that are not strongly tied to reality." This tendency, which Lemay has spent decades studying at the University of Maryland, shapes not just literature but every relationship we have.
The Mechanics of Projection
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What you'll learn
- 1 (00:01) **Introduction: Don Quixote and the Power of Perception** - Shankar Vedantam opens with the story of Don Quixote, who sees the peasant woman Aldonza as the noble Dulcinea, introducing the idea that our perceptions of others shape our relationships.
- 2 (04:04) **The Expert: Edward Lemay** - Psychologist Ed Lemay joins the show to discuss how projection shapes our closest relationships.
- 3 (04:24) **Dante and Beatrice: A Historical Case of Idealization** - Lemay describes the poet Dante’s childhood encounter with Beatrice, which inspired his life’s work despite almost no real interaction.
- 4 (07:41) **The Modern Myth: 500 Days of Summer** - Lemay analyzes the film *500 Days of Summer* as a contemporary example of projecting a desired narrative onto a partner.
- 5 (11:48) **The Researcher’s Own Story: A High School Crush** - Lemay shares a personal story of projection from his youth, mirroring the dynamic in *500 Days of Summer*.
- 6 (13:11) **Defining Projection** - Lemay explains the psychological concept of projection as the tendency to use oneself as a guide to understand others.
- 7 (16:14) **Evidence: Projection in Platonic Friendships** - Lemay describes studies showing how people project romantic desire onto their friends, creating a self-fulfilling prophecy.
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Show Notes
When we look at the people we love, how clearly do we really see them? This week, we talk with psychologist Edward LeMay about how our fears, desires, and insecurities can shape our perceptions of our partners — sometimes creating the very reality we expect. He explains how we can learn to see our partners in ways that create greater trust and connection. Then, Sonja Lyubomirsky answers your questions about the gap between being loved and feeling loved, in our latest installment of "Your Questions Answered."
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