AI Summary
5 min readDo You Feel Loved?
The Gap Between Being Loved and Feeling Loved
Most of us assume that being loved and feeling loved are the same thing. Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky says they are not. In a large survey she conducted with co-author Harry Reis, roughly 70% of people reported at least one relationship in which they didn't feel as loved as they wanted to be—and Lyubomirsky thinks that number is an understatement. The gap is especially common in romantic relationships, but it also shows up with friends, children, parents, and even communities.
The problem is not that the other person doesn't love us. It's that their love isn't registering. Lyubomirsky describes watching the TV show Couples Therapy and seeing couples fight about surface issues—chores, schedules, in-laws—while the real problem sits underneath: "No matter what the other person does, you still don't feel loved by them."
The Wrong Strategies
Continue reading the full summary in the app — free to try.
Read Full Summary →Free • No credit card required
Never miss an episode of Hidden Brain
Get every new episode summarized in your inbox — free, ~5 minutes to read.
No spam. Unsubscribe anytime.
What you'll learn
- 1 (00:40) **The Problem: Testing for Love** - Shankar introduces the episode by describing how people test their partners' devotion, often in counterproductive ways.
- 2 (05:15) **The Core Problem: Being Loved vs. Feeling Loved** - Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky explains the fundamental gap between being loved and actually feeling loved.
- 3 (07:07) **Personal Stories of Misguided Love Strategies** - Lyubomirsky shares personal anecdotes that illustrate common, counterproductive attempts to feel loved.
- 4 (15:12) **The Core Distinction: Being Loved vs. Feeling Loved** - Lyubomirsky explains the crucial difference between being loved and the subjective experience of feeling loved.
- 5 (20:08) **Counterproductive Strategies for Seeking Love** - People often use misguided tactics like performance and manipulation to try to feel loved.
- 6 (28:25) **The Solution: Changing the Conversation, Not Yourself** - Lyubomirsky introduces the core insight: to feel loved, you must change the relational dynamic, not yourself or the other person.
- 7 (36:48) **The Relationship Seesaw** - Lyubomirsky explains the "seesaw" metaphor for building connection.
+ Full timestamped outline available in the app
Show Notes
What’s the difference between being loved and feeling loved? Psychologist Sonja Lyubomirsky joins us to discuss the distinction, and how we can create a stronger feeling of closeness in our relationships. Then, in our latest installment of Your Questions Answered, psychologist Greg Walton returns to answer listeners’ questions about negative thought spirals.
As individuals and as a society, we often overlook a strategy that can help us to improve our lives. We discuss this tool in a new video on Hidden Brain's YouTube channel. Please check it out, and let us know what you think!
Episode illustration by Getty Images for Unsplash+
Hosted by Simplecast, an AdsWizz company. See pcm.adswizz.com for information about our collection and use of personal data for advertising.
More from this podcast
Hidden Brain →