How Childhood Shapes Your Boundaries and How to Change!

July 16, 2026

AI Summary

5 min read

How Childhood Shapes Your Boundaries and How to Change

When therapist Nedra Glover Tawwab was a little girl, both of her parents were alcoholics. She knew something was off but couldn't quite describe it. So she became a heavy reader, finding pieces of herself in characters, slowly putting together a puzzle that didn't make sense. "I was a questioner," she says, "and I was told, 'Hey, too far. Too many questions.'" She couldn't make it make sense—but neither could the adults around her. That early experience of having her instincts dismissed, of being told not to push back even when pushback was necessary, became the foundation of her life's work: teaching people how to set and hold boundaries, especially those who were never allowed to have them.

What a Boundary Actually Is—and Isn't

A boundary, Tawwab explains, is how we display our needs and expectations. We can do it through behavior or through spoken words. It is "the solution when we're having problems" and "the way that we regain our focus and energy in life." But boundaries are not one-size-fits-all. "I think we do boundaries wrong when we try to have a one-size-fits-all boundary—like this is my boundary for every person in every situation—instead of the boundary being flexible depending on what's needed with this person or in this situation."

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What you'll learn

1 (01:35) **What Is a Boundary?** - Nedra defines a boundary as how we display our needs and expectations through behavior or speech.
2 (02:45) **The Different Types of Boundaries** - Nedra explains physical, emotional, intellectual, time, and technology boundaries, noting they vary by relationship.
3 (03:40) **Boundaries with Kids: A Personal Example** - Davina shares how setting firm, consistent boundaries with her children taught her about safety and later helped her in other relationships.
4 (06:38) **How Childhood Shapes Boundary-Setting Ability** - Nedra explains that children from emotionally unsafe homes can't develop healthy boundaries, but adults can reclaim that ability.
5 (08:14) **Nedra's Own Upbringing** - Nedra describes growing up with two alcoholic parents and how reading helped her realize something was "off" in her family.
6 (10:17) **Talking to Your Younger Self** - Nedra shares how she keeps pictures of "Little Nedra" on her phone and talks to her to acknowledge how far she's come.
7 (14:04) **The First Client That Sparked It All** - Nedra reveals that her first therapy client, a teenager who had been sexually violated by a family member, showed her the core issue of boundary violations.

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Guests on this episode

Nedra Glover Tawwab

Show Notes

The people who benefit most from your lack of boundaries are often the ones who react worst when you finally set them, boundary expert Nedra Glover Tawwab explains why.

In this episode of Begin Again, licensed therapist, relationship expert and bestselling author Nedra Glover Tawwab joins Davina to explore how to create healthy connections without losing yourself. Together, they unpack what a boundary actually is, why different relationships require different boundaries, and how speaking up for your needs can transform the way you love, work and live.

Nedra explains why setting a boundary can feel so frightening, particularly when you fear rejection, conflict or abandonment. She shares how to respond when someone becomes angry, withdraws or gives you the silent treatment—and why another person’s reaction does not necessarily mean your boundary was wrong.

Davina and Nedra also explore codependency, hyper-independence and healthy dependency. They discuss why constantly rescuing, fixing or supporting other people can leave you exhausted and invisible, and how fear of losing a relationship can lead you to give up too much of yourself to keep it.

Nedra opens up about growing up around addiction, being exposed to adult problems from a young age, and learning to listen before she was able to speak freely for herself. She reflects on how those experiences shaped her understanding of people and led her towards a career helping others build healthier relationships.

They also discuss parenting, consent, vulnerability and the patterns we carry from childhood into adulthood. Nedra explains why your children are not younger versions of you, why healing cannot happen entirely in isolation, and how relationships give us the opportunity to practise everything we have learned about ourselves.

At its heart, this is a conversation about loving people without abandoning yourself. Nedra reminds us that we are not permanently trapped by our childhood, attachment style or past relationships. Change may feel uncomfortable, but as long as we are alive, we have the ability to show up differently.

Nedra Glover Tawwab reminds us that boundaries are not about pushing people away. They are how we protect our energy, communicate our needs and create relationships in which both people have space to exist.

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