A͏s͏mongold Rates His Favorite Snacks

Asmongold sits in front of a snack box packed with Little Debbie products and announces he is going to settle a question of genuine importance: which snack is the best? He frames the exercise as "pure premium ideal bona fide raw content" and warns that anyone who disagrees with his picks might be "new here." Over the course of a bracket-style elimination, he rates, ranks, and eliminates contenders based on texture, originality, nostalgia, and the occasional vivid metaphor.

The first round is brutal. Oatmeal cream pies are dismissed immediately—"they're disgusting." Strawberry shortcake rolls are compared unfavorably to "a cream pie on a girl that's on her period," so zebra cakes advance. Chocolate cupcakes beat banana twins. Honey buns crush star crunch without even asking the chat. Nutty buddy bars are eliminated on a practical complaint: "unless you live on Antarctica and the temperature is below zero, it's literally impossible to eat these without having the chocolate melt and get your hands completely dirty." Donut sticks move forward instead. Fudge rounds beat Christmas tree cakes, which Asmongold reveals are structurally identical to zebra cakes—"they're the same thing." Cosmic brownies beat chocolate marshmallow pies. Peanut butter crunch bars beat Swiss rolls, partly because Swiss rolls leave "the black shit" on your fingers and partly because they are just "chocolate